The Release
by lovelettersforwarheroes
Summary: Struck with an all too human, common autoimmune disease at the age of 36, Hatake Kakashi is losing hope in himself, in life, and in love. Now forbidden to fight as a shinobi, he now has time to think about his future and with whom he wants to share it with. LEMON. KakaxSakura
1. Chapter 1

_"Kakashi!"_

_There was darkness._

_"Sakura, you must get out of here now!"_

_There was blood._

_"Kakashi, you're hurt! I won't leave you behind!"_

_There was fear._

_"Kakashi-sensei!"_

_"Naruto, get back!"_

_There was death._

_"Ughn!"_

_"Sensei!"_

_"Naruto, Sakura; go tell the others now."_

_"No," Naruto shouted. "I won't let you die here!"_

_"Naruto, if you don't go, it won't just be me who dies!"_

_"Kaka-sensei, you stubborn-"_

_"Naruto!" Kakashi said in pain. His gasps for air grew gurgled, fluid rushing into his lungs. Kakashi held on tightly to the iron stake that pierced his chest. His enemy would go no further than through his body. Naruto looked at Kakashi agape, Sakura by his side trembling with fatigue and the sensation of Kakashi's blood splattered on her face. "Please..." Kakashi grunted. "Go."_

_"S-sensei," Naruto choked on tears._

_"Naruto, let's go," Sakura tugged at his arm and turned around to leave. _

_"No, Sakura," Naruto pulled his arm away from her grip._

_"What? Naruto! We have to go! We're wasting time. If we don't go now Kakashi's sacrifice will have been for nothing!" Sakura said._

_"He's not dead yet, Sakura," Naruto grit his teeth. Kakashi's ears started to ring with impatience and faintness. _

_"Naruto, you fool," Kakashi growled. "Now is not the time for sentimental - ughn!"_

_"I won't let you die here, Kakashi! Sakura, you go ahead, tell the others. I'm staying right where I am and fighting this monster."_

_There was a rattle in the distance, the sound of an impending attack. A black mist permeated the forest, blood soaked through Kakashi's mask and began dripping onto the iron stake. Maniacal laughter shook the trunks of the trees. "Make up you minds now, or else we all die," Kakashi said._

_"I will not let my friends die. Sakura, go while you can still see."_

_Without saying a word, Sakura left to bring in the reinforcements._

_"Kakashi-sensei," Naruto addressed him. "You will not die here."_

_"How sweet of you to say that," a shadow stepped out from the trees, the shadow that held the other end of the killing stake. "But I'm afraid he will." Kakashi looked up to see the monster salivating, it's tongue lolling, eyes on fire; fat bulging from its greasy chin; skin turning to diamond for protection. "I want to eat your guts, Hatake Kakashi." The monster spun the stake and in one upward motion, sliced through Kakashi's heart, his neck, his face, his brain._

And in one upward motion, Kakashi sat up with a gasp, sweating and panting in fear from his nightmare. Calming himself down, he listened to the silence of his room, gently scratching his forearm, and looked at the light of the moon pooling at the foot of his bed. It had been years since he had a mother or father to comfort him after a terrible dream, to explain to him why he had to relive such awful images during what is supposed to be such a peaceful and vulnerable state of being. And now, the fifth time in a row the dream had occurred, he wished for nothing more than his parents to be with him.

But idle wishing was useless, it made Kakashi more upset than before. He plopped his head back down on the pillow, turned to his side, and bitterly surveyed his empty flat. His eyes fell upon the picture of Team 7 in its first stages and then to the latest photo of Team 7, Sasuke absent, Naruto holding his head in pain, Sakura post-punch and fuming, and Kakashi rolling his eyes, confined to a hospital bed.

The scar on his chest where the stake had pierced him began to sear; he eyes began to water - how pitiful he felt. How weak and useless. Thirty-six and counting, not getting any younger, not feeling any stronger, his health beginning to fail him; the cells of his body attacking each other, eating away at his knees, hips, his shoulders and arms - his chakra uneven and overactive, uncontrollable. His mind wandering into darkness, his heart lonely - where was the wife he was supposed to have? The children? Where were the grandparents and honorary aunts and uncles?

If his legs had not given out that day, he would not have been nearly killed by some cannibalistic rogue ninja; he would never have had to find out.

_"Kakashi," Tsunade spoke to him privately at the hospital. "Your blood test results came back, and..."_

_"Tsuande, what you're about to tell me...it's okay."_

_"I cannot allow you to fight for Konoha anymore."_

_Kakashi closed his eyes and exhaled. "Is it that bad?"_

_"We may be great shinobi, Kakashi, but we are still humans who suffer from disease. It seems that you have a high level of autoimmune antibodies in your system. To put it simply, you have arthritis."_

_"That can be worked around, can it not?"_

_Tsunade sighed. "I can heal you temporarily, but it will only come back. We haven't a permanent cure for it yet, and I refuse to give you a medication that will dull your senses. It will take me at least three months with the help of my staff to create a remedy to soothe your joints and prevent neurological disturbances. But as you become worse, so will your concentration and your ability to fight. It would prove to be a great weakness for any team you may be on."_

_"I see."_

_"Kakashi, will you be okay?"_

_There was a pause. Kakashi looked up at Tsunade and grinned. "I have no choice but to be okay, Tsunade-sama. It cannot be helped."_

_"Right. In the meantime, rest up. We'll find you an instructor position at the Academy if that is ok with you."_

_"Yes. That's okay."_

Arthritis. What a stupid thing to prevent him from fighting. He turned on his other side and looked out the window. He could hear voices outside, an argument perhaps? It was definitely the voice of a male and female. The argument grew louder, shouting instead of stern statements. Kakashi could make out the voices now. It was Sakura and...Sasuke? What was Sasuke doing?

He craned his neck to look down at the street just in time to see Sakura crumple on the ground and Sasuke disappear. Completely awake and alert, Kakashi jumped out of bed, threw on a pair of pajama pants over his boxers, and ran downstairs, outside. He stopped at the door to see Sakura slumped over in the fetal position, crying.

"Sakura!" He ran over to her and bent down, wincing, both of his knees cracking.

"Kaka-sensei?" Sakura whispered.

"Sakura, what happened?"

"Kaka-sensei, I'm drunk...mmmmm...and I feel sick, and my stomach hurts..."

Kakashi sighed. "Alright, it's okay, Sakura. Let's go inside."

"No! Sasuke it out there."

"Sasuke doesn't matter right now, Sakura. I'm taking you inside where you can rest for the night. We'll handle Sasuke tomorrow, okay?

"Okay, Kaka-sensei."

Kakashi lifted Sakura up to her feet and escorted her into the building, up the stairs, and into his room. "Take my bed, okay?" Kakashi brought her over to his bed and she willingly climbed in. "Do you need me to get you anything?"

Sakura looked drunkenly into Kakashi's one open eye. "Kaka-sensei, you're not wearing a mask," she lifted her arm and her thin, pale fingers stroked Kakashi's sculpted jawline.

"Sakura," Kakashi grabbed her hand and gently placed it back down beside her. "Go to sleep."

Sakura yawned and turned on her side. Kakashi looked at the top of her shirt and saw it was torn from the shoulder. "Sasuke," he muttered under his breath.

Seeing that Sakura had quickly fallen asleep, Kakashi walked over to his door, locked it tight, and sat down on his couch. Turning the light on, he grabbed a copy of Icha Icha and started to read. Sasuke had the intention of hurting Sakura, or Sakura didn't give him what he wanted. If she was drunk, so was he, and who knows what he would do next, especially with his attitude. Maybe the light being on wasn't such a good idea...Kakashi switched the lamp off, put down his Icha Icha, and held his knees close to his chest. He watched Sakura's chest go up and down with her gentle snores. He could still feel the imprinted trail on his face from where Sakura had touched him. What a curious feeling was stirring deep inside...


	2. Chapter 2

It was the headache to end all headaches.

"Ugh..."

Sakura could barely open her eyes.

"I'm so dead," she groaned.

Her mouth was dry, her eyes itched, her bladder was completely full, and the nausea, oh! the nausea. She might as well have been pregnant. "I need a bathroom..." Sakura mumbled. She turned over, but fell out of Kakashi's bed. Kakashi, who had just fallen asleep a half hour earlier, heard the noise and jumped to attention.

"What? Who's there? Sakura," Kakashi ran over to help her up. "Sakura, are you okay?"

"Um," Sakura looked up at Kakashi. "Yeah, ugh...no..." Then all of a sudden her mind registered his presence, but not person. She gasped, "Ah! Who are you?!" Sakura frantically looked around and saw the messed up bed she fell out of not one-minute ago. "Did you take advantage of me last night? How dare you!"

"No, no, no, Sakura!"

"How do you know my name?" Sakura forgot all hangover pain and stood up, preparing to fight. Her fist was clenched, and she was cornering Kakashi. "What, you think it's funny to fuck a drunk girl? I'll show you what's funny; how about a fist shoved up your ass?!"

"Sakura, no! It's me, _ah!_" Kakashi moved just in time to avoid Sakura's punch that went right through his wall. Debris falling, Sakura's hangover making its appearance again, Kakashi looked on with shock, fatigue, and incredulousness. "S-Sakura..."

Sakura turned to him, but something caught her eye. The picture of Team 7. She looked at the photo, then at him, then to the photo again, and then to him, and once more to the photo, and then to him. "Kakashi-sensei?"

"Heh...yes, Sakura?"

"Oh no," Sakura pulled her fist from the wall and looked at the damage she just inflicted to his room. "Oh no, Kakashi. I'm so sorry." Kakashi stood up and walked over to her. He put her hands on her shoulders and led her to the couch, making her sit down.

"Sakura, let me try this again. Are you okay?"

"I think I'm going to be sick. Where's your bathroom?"

Kakashi pointed to somewhere around the wall she had inflicted her wrath upon, and she dashed to the bathroom. Sounds of retching echoed in the flat, Kakashi cringed just a little bit in disgust. He got up and walked over to his refrigerator, and pulled out a bottle of water for him, and one for Sakura. Untwisting the cap he felt the nerves in his hand start to tingle and crawl up his arm. He looked down at his stomach; he had lost muscle tone and gained weight from lack of training. "Now I look like a normal person, eh?" Kakashi said to himself. "A very fit, normal person..." Taking his bottle back into his room, he laid flat on the floor and started his daily routine of sit-ups, push-ups, and stretches. A part of him still had hope that Tsunade would find a cure for his pain, and he could go back to shinobi work once more.

Sakura came out of the bathroom, wiping her mouth, to see Kakashi working-out. "Sensei?"

Kakashi stopped, looked up at Sakura, and stood. "Are you better?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I put you through that."

"Please, Sakura. Sit at the kitchen table. There's a bottle of water out for you. Would you like some coffee?"

"Oh! Um, yes please, thank you."

Sakura sat down at the table and sipped her water. She watched Kakashi fill up the coffee pot with water, put the proper amount of scoops of coffee into the filter, pour the water into the machine, and press the start button. His back was marked with scars, including the exit scar where the iron stake had gone through. It still looked fresh. Sakura knew what that mission had led to, what Kakashi must now live with. She saw how his demeanor looked weaker, his step a little uneven, and how strong his shoulders still were in spite of that. And how beautiful his skin was - wait, she could see his skin? She immediately blushed. Kakashi was half-naked and making her coffee.

Kakashi turned around to face Sakura, silver hair messy and in his face. But when he saw her blushing, it occurred to him too that he was 1) without a shirt 2) in white, cotton pajama pants 3) without a mask 4) and in front of a former student and kunoichi. "So this is weird. I'm sorry. Let me get dressed."

"It's okay, Kakashi," Sakura said, stopping him in his tracks. "You don't have to get dressed, I mean - I didn't mean it that way...I-"

"I understand Sakura," Kakashi laughed nervously. He stood awkwardly in front of Sakura, Sakura smiling awkwardly at him. "I'll get dressed now."

"Oh, yes, please do."

Kakashi left the room, Sakura looked back down at her water bottle, embarrassed. Kakashi returned with a loose fitting shirt on, no mask, and sat down at the table with Sakura. There was a silence between the two of them.

"Kakashi-sensei, I've never seen you without your mask on and I thought it was a different person," Sakura said very quickly.

"Not a lot of people have seen me without my mask."

"I can pay for your wall to be fixed."

"Don't worry about it, Sakura."

"No, please. Let me. I know you're not working much, and school is on break and you won't be starting a job until September and-" Sakura stopped. She looked at Kakashi whose mood had become dark. "Forgive me. I can say the wrong thing at times." Kakashi remained silent. "How are you, Kaka-sensei?"

Kakashi stroked back his hair with his hands and stretched. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, with everything that's been happening..."

"The arthritis?"

"Yeah."

"Well," Kakashi started matter-of-factly. "I'm in pain, that's for sure, but I manage to get around. I know a lot of other people who are worse off than I am, so I shouldn't really complain about it, but it's so constant and sometimes it gets me down. Makes me feel...I don't know...heh, who would have ever thought that the copy-ninja would be defeated by his own body?"

"What about your Sharingan?"

"One of these days I'll be able to have both of my eyes open, Sakura. But now, I'm only allowed one. Arthritis or no arthritis, the Sharingan will always make me feel like a pirate." Sakura and Kakashi laughed lightly, but when he saw the tear in Sakura's shirt he was reminded of Sasuke. "Sakura, what happened with Sasuke last night?"

Sakura's smile turned into a frown. "Nothing that you need to be worried about, Kakashi. He was just being a man."

"Men don't hit you and then leave you for someone else to find."

"He was drunk, Kakashi."

"That makes no difference."

"I'm being terribly vague, aren't I?"

"Why yes you are," Kakashi said. Sakura looked up at his face. The concern drawn upon it was intoxicating. His furrowed brow, the way he bit his lip while he thought about what could have happened, the way he glamoured her with his dark grey eye. She felt her stomach flip, her cheeks flush. "Sakura, you're turning red. Something the matter?"

"Uh, no," Sakura said snapping out of it. "But Sasuke. We went out drinking. It wasn't a date. On the way home he invited me to his house, but I refused. He said he really wanted to see me-I don't feel comfortable saying this to you, Kakashi."

"That's okay. I think I understand what happened. I just want to make sure you'll be safe."

"Thank you. I know I can count on you, Kakashi."

"I may not be working properly, but I can still do the basics."

"Like?"

"Taking care of the people I love."

Sakura turned bright red. "Love? Are you saying you love me, Kakashi?"

"Yes, as a friend I do love you." Sakura giggled. "Is that funny to you, Sakura?" Kakashi leaned into the kitchen table.

"No," Sakura also leaned in. Her arms pushed her breasts together, the border of her tan line exposed. Kakashi couldn't help but notice. What came over him was purely a masculine reaction; he felt desire start to build up in his throat and his pants become tighter around his groin.

_"Stop it, Hatake Kakashi. You are not an animal." _

"But anyway," Sakura changed the conversation. She noticed him grow a bit uncomfortable. "Pain?"

"Hm?" Kakashi was very distracted. "Oh! Uh, yeah..." he murmured, crossing his legs. Sakura stared at him suspiciously. "What?"

"How is your love life?"

Totally taken off-guard, Kakashi almost fell out of his chair. "Huh?"

"Your love life. I worry about you Kakashi. People who do not have a love life are very sad, lonely, and stressed, and I don't want any of that for you."

"To be honest Sakura, I haven't had time for love because I'm - erm - was...a shinobi for so long. I'll get by without."

"Love may help your pain."

"Sakura, I do not wish to talk about this..."

"Kakashi, I'm a medical professional, and it should be spoken about."

"No. Not with me, please."

"Listen, I received direct orders from Tsunade after she gave you your test results to look after you, and right now-"

"Stop!" Kakashi stood up, hands on the table, his will-power winning over mammalian desire. "Sakura...if there's anything I want to keep intact, it's my dignity." Sakura frowned. "If we talk about love and loneliness, I guarantee you I will lose that." Kakashi fixed his gaze at her. "I'm a shinobi, not a man. I have missed my chance to have a normal life because I dedicated myself to protecting this village, killing other shinobi, practically dying for what, some ancient system? Let me have the little strength I have left to keep myself from crying about love..."

"Kakashi..." Sakura pushed her chair back from the table, glancing at Kakashi from under the hair that fell into her face. The coffee machine beeped ready.

"Let me get you some coffee." Kakashi walked over to the coffee machine, but as he was about to make it to the counter he lost his balance and stumbled. Sakura bolted towards him. "Dammit."

"Come here," Sakura wrapped her arms around his waist, embracing him, her head pressed against his chest. "I can't say I exactly know what it's like to be you right now, Kakashi. I don't know what I can do to help you. But I do know that you can't keep those feelings inside, or else they will eat away at that dignity and you will end up-"

"Like my father," Kakashi thought out loud. Sakura felt Kakashi's arms slowly wrap around her. "Sakura."

"Yes?"

"You aren't ashamed of your old sensei, are you?"

Sakura smiled. "My pervy, always-late sensei? Never. Never could I be ashamed of you. And now I know that not only are you a genius, but you're also very beautiful."

"Uh," Kakashi blushed. "Thank you?"

Sakura felt herself push her pelvis into his; she felt a pulsating heat radiate from his body. Her heart began to beat faster. What if she pushed a little more and felt him harden? What would she do? She wouldn't step away, she would grind herself against him, watch his mouth open in surprise, watch him clench his teeth in lust, feel him start to push back, his hands grab her tight ass in hopes that she would undress right then and there in the kitchen and spread her legs for him. Sakura felt her clit begin to ache, to scream to her to ease it.

"Sakura," Kakashi whispered. "You're stepping on my foot."

"Whoops!" The spell was broken. Both of them took one step away. An overactive imagination, Sakura told herself. That's all it is.

"Please be careful with men, Sakura, especially Sasuke. Excuse me," Kakashi went to the coffee machine, took out two mugs from the cabinet above, and poured for each of them a strong cup of coffee.

"I will be."

Sakura and Kakashi raised their mugs in cheers and drank.

"Ugh," Sakura said. "You really need a lover."

"Why," Kakashi asked.

"Because you make your coffee too strong. You're used to making it for you and only you. Is there any milk?"

"You really want milk with a hangover?"

"No, I want milk in my coffee." Sakura stuck her tongue out at him.

"And I want my wall fixed, but we can't always get our way," he laughed.

"Hey! Fine, I'll drink your grossly strong coffee."


	3. Chapter 3

**A little something.**

* * *

During the night, from 9:00pm-3:00am, the center of Konoha is lit by neon signs, paper lanterns, and the colored lights of bars and nightclubs. The "young people," as the elders call them, dress in dark colors and walk around looking for a free drink, sex, possibly drugs. The skirts are shorter and dresses tighter for women; men are sloppier and expect blow jobs from every woman who looks at him.

"Hey, how about some of _that _pussy," the men would call into the street.

The women reciprocate, either drunk enough to flash them, or belligerent enough to tell them off. Either way they willingly end up with their legs apart in a stranger's bed. Alleyways reek of piss and vomit; screams of laughter and orgasm ring in the ears of the unfortunate civilians living in apartment buildings nearby. Men look for men, women look for women, and everyone takes their clothes off to have their primal urges satisfied. All orientations, genders, and lifestyles accepted. The weirder the better. But somewhere in the center of all this, girl meets boy at a bar. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Boy walks girl home. Girl kisses boy. Boy strokes girl's cheek. And some months later they are in love, engaged, and ready to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

Every night Kakashi must walk through this to get to his house; every night he is reminded of why he can never be that boy. On this particular night, Kakashi walks home from riverside. He had fallen asleep in the sun while reading his book. The green grass made a comfortable bed; his fatigue from the walk to the riverside and the warmth of the sun made him sleepy. Kakashi usually went there if he was in need of solitude, complete solitude. No reminders of his team, no reminders of his empty house, no reminders of having to do the laundry or the cooking and cleaning - just him and his erotica. But even "Icha Icha" was now just another reminder. A reminder of Jiraiya, a reminder of his first test with Team 7, a reminder of his humanness, his manhood; it was a reminder that he was probably too tired to do any of the sexual acts written in the book. So tired. So fucking tired.

His feet dragged in the dirt road; Kakashi kept his gaze solely on where he would place his next step. He could hear the liveliness of downtown all around him. He didn't have to look up to know what people were wearing. And then he thought about what he was wearing: a mask, the Konoha headband covering his Sharingan, his sandals, a pair of loose, beige pants and a white tee-shirt. He looked as though he was ready to head to the beach to drink cocktails with "important people" - he glowed next to those young folks...he was not a man, not a boy; he was a shinobi, an ANBU. A wolf in regular guy, yuppie clothing.

"Hey, babe, wanna dance?" Kakashi saw two feet plant themselves firmly into the ground in front of him. He stopped dead in his tracks. Black high heels, the toes exposed, pink nail polish, thin ankles, long legs, curvy hips, hands on hips, little black dress, small waist, big tits, long red hair, narrow face, pink lipstick, baby blue eyeshadow, baby blue eyes - not interested.

"No, thank you," Kakashi pushed past her.

"Aw, c'mon, baby. I'll give you the night of your life," the woman stepped in front of him again, this time looking square into his eye. "You know you want it." Kakashi looked back at her. She was beautiful, just not for him.

"Want what? I don't even know you," Kakashi said.

"We can get to know each other, Hatake Kakashi. I'll show you some moves of mine I've copied," the woman licked her lips. Kakashi felt her body move closer to his, she placed a smooth hand on his chest, sliding gently down to his thigh. "I've seen you walk through here almost every night for the past three months, and you do nothin' but walk. Do somethin' else for a change." Kakashi felt her hand suddenly move from his thigh to his crotch. Her delicate fingers stroking, teasing him.

"How do you know my name," Kakashi asked. _"Oh no, not here,_" Kakashi thought as he felt himself jump in a moment of pleasure. Her fingers kept hitting the tip of his hardening cock. He wanted to move but couldn't. His heart began to jump, he felt his face turn hot and his arms tingle. "Fuck..." he grunted under his breath.

"Everyone knows your name. You're the famous shinobi around here, not me," she smirked. Kakashi's breathing became heavy. He closed his eye and for a split second lost himself in the arousal he felt. He wanted to grind against her, to push deep inside of her. "So how about it? A drink?" She grabbed his crotch with such force that the moan from Kakashi alerted him to what was actually happening. He was being jerked off in public.

"Stop, please," Kakashi pushed her hand out of the way, stepped around her again and left without another word. He was frustrated, he was uncomfortable, and was forced to walk the rest of the lighted downtown area with a throbbing bulge in this pants. _"How embarrassing," _he thought. _"What has gotten into you, Kakashi?"_ His pace quickened, but as his pace quickened, so did the fire in his knees. He had to stop, to rest, to sit. He had to relax. Well out of the downtown area and close to home, he found a bench and stretched himself across its length. Kakashi listened to the crickets chirp, looked at the stars in the sky. It was quiet.

Suddenly Kakashi began to cringe at the encounter he just had, especially the terrible pun pick-up line, and at who might've seen him grow erect at the hand of some unknown woman. He felt shame. He felt wrong. But it was too quiet for him to think about anything - the silence filled his brain. His body calmed itself. Peace. Think of good things...

He got up from the bench and walked the rest of the way home humming a tune Sakura sang before she left his house this morning:

_I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places..._

She told him it had been playing on the radio over and over again this week. Kakashi remembered the song well; when he did listen to the radio, it would pick-up the jazz station and every cover of "I'll Be Seeing You" was seemingly played within a 5-hour playtime. It's why he stopped listening to the radio in the first place: little variety.

"I should start my own radio show," Kakashi thought to himself. "How hard could it be?" Kakashi stopped himself and sighed. "So this is what it's come to, huh? Erections and thinking about the radio." He looked up at the moon; the entrance to his building was on the left. "Time to go home to no one." Kakashi kicked the door open and watched it violently hit the inside wall and bounce back to a half-closed position. The moonlight illuminated his silver hair as he stood there, in front of the door, waiting for something to happen, someone to say hello, some death take him.

"I can't do this anymore," Kakashi fell to his knees, his body trembling with emotion. "I need help getting up the stairs...I've hurt myself with one kick. What is happening to me?"

But no one was there to help him up the stairs. With the little strength he had left in his legs, Kakashi forced himself to stand, leaning against the wall of the building, walked inside the doorway, and shut the door behind him.

Goodnight, Kakashi.


End file.
